Chp. 1 Judge Me, You Won't
Finally....I've decided to start typing.
I have been putting this one off. Perhaps because it requires me to visit some dark times, which I now view as turning points but never the less...dark...times...
I had to break out my old journal because I have an awful defense mechanism of trying to erase bad feelings from my memory- it has honestly effected my memory in general but I've heard over and over, to get through it, you must feel it. So let's get to feeling.
Pieces from a journal entry almost a year ago and three months after getting covid for the third time ... February 10th, 2023. I literally did bullet points of symptoms ...
"- clicking ears constantly - shrugging shoulders to crack left shoulder blade that's constantly cracking - tight sinuses- abnormal breathing- tight chest and throat- feeling like I can't swallow - feeling of blood pressure dropping/ chills - fatigue and confusion - can't watch TV or read or focus on anything - lump in throat- GERD - mucus - depressed and overwhelmed-"
Wow.... I hated writing all of that. I immediately felt feelings of shame, like somehow I was being a baby about it all. But I know that all of those symptoms were real and that I am still dealing with some. I remember barely being able to go out in public/ I am pretty sure I isolated myself for months. Now I am sitting in a coffee shop writing this.
My eyes just skimmed to another part of my journal which reassures me I was in actual pain mentally and physically. Sorry guys - this chapter is dark. ( I don't plan out the body of my writing, I just type...so hold on tight.)
"I don't want to die or hurt myself. In fact I'm desperately longing for the opposite."
"I enjoy how creative I can be but also wish my mind would STFU"
Those two sentences that came from my brain scream fear and anxiety ...and pain. It is kind of crazy rereading old thoughts and feelings / revisiting it all. I can say I don't relate to some of these things currently but I know life is filled with many many hills/ mountains/ dead ends etc & that these feelings aren't gone forever but I've got a new tool belt now to tackle them and move through them...which is what inspired me to start this blog and share my journey. I wanted Chp. 1 to give a better insight of kind of where it all started for me.
Hold on, we have an interruption from my all over the place brain....as I'm writing this, a Portuguese song came on at the cafe I'm at on Cape Cod - that sounded like something my grandparents would listen to ( who passed away this year ). Shout out to Vava and Vovo - love you.
Okay we're back: I don't blame all of my symptoms on COVID or the vaccine or this or that. I know a lot can contribute to how you are feeling. The people in your life, your mental health, your diet, your living situation, time you spend in nature, your exercise routine and so on and so on.
Unfortunately, when you're in it...realllllllly in it, sometimes it is just easier to blame it on one thing and be fixated on it instead of seeing the bigger picture ( because the bigger picture can be overwhelming AF )
Over the last four months - I have taken a serious dive into my mental and physical health. It had been a year of new mysterious symptoms that felt like they were taking me away from who I actually am...and before that...years of self sabotage and being stuck in the same patterns over and over that would just leave me in a corner banging my head against the wall (metaphorically - I was not actually banging my head against a wall in the corner).
I just read my most recent journal from the beginning of November. I was in the midst of shedding...purging if you will...after two months of serious work with my health and wellness coach, Ariana from @intununion ( you will be reading a lot about my experience with Ariana in upcoming chapters).
To sum it up - it was work that was focused on primary and secondary foods. Primary foods are other sources than actual foods that fill you up ( relationships, physical activity, living situation, career etc) and secondary foods are the actual foods you put on your plate. The two come together when it comes to our gut and brain health. If one is off balance, then the other is off balance. The Yin to your Yang if you know what I am saying...and if not, don't fret, we will get back to this.
My primary foods were stale, bitter, rotten; and my gut was extremely effected by this. During the second month, I started to realize I was clenching onto past versions of myself / people from my past. I realized I had trauma I had brushed under a rug and all of the emotions I avoided that came with it (here we go , the word trauma) but hold up...trauma is real and we all have our own versions of it. Trauma causes illness. Stress causes illness.
I wrote on Nov 7th of this year "I know there is someone out there that will make me feel more stable and understand me" .....honnnnnayyyyy...that someone is YOU (me ,not you)
Take a look at it this way... when you work out, you sweat. You're essentially sweating out toxins, no? When you work out your mind...the same thing is happening. You might not start sweating, or actually you might! Even if you are just sitting there. That is how powerful the brain is.
My brain was SWEATING and the toxins were playing tricks on me. It is all fear based. Fear of letting go, fear of moving forward, fear of realizing what you're capable of, what you deserve.
This journal entry was me writing about how I relapsed. I didn't take a drug or drown myself in booze... but I revisited something that I knew no longer served me. That I new was going to interrupt all of the work I had done. I felt guilty and ashamed.
Have you seen those memes where it shows a graph of what growth/ productivity actually looks like? It isn't an upward line that is always consistent. It is a line that's all over the place. Up and then down and then up again. It is stagnant. I try to remember this whenever I feel guilty or ashamed of any set backs I may experience. They actually aren't even set back, they're boosters - helping me come closer to self realization. Closer to self.
I told myself I would get as real as I felt comfortable with getting in this blog- and this is it. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading & a new blog entry will be uploaded each month. Chp 2 will cover more about what I have done to better myself and the sources I would like to share with you.
My writing style is to just type and see what happens / what pours out. I only hope that you as a reader can relate in your own ways.
Happy Holidays and I will see you guys back here next month!